SCENE 1: INT. SID’S CAFÉ - AFTERNOON

[FX: Porcelain plates clattering. Tea pouring into thick mugs. Outside street traffic hums gently.]

MAVIS: Arthur. Look at what you’ve done. You’ve spread the clotted cream first and put the raspberry jam on top like a barbarian from the northern marches.

ARTHUR: (defensive) It’s structural integrity, Mavis! The cream acts as a thermal barrier between the warm baked scone matrix and the high-viscosity jam layer!

MAVIS: (scoffing) It’s Devonshire vs Cornwall, Arthur. And in Deptford, we respect the Cornish tradition. Jam first, then a dollop of cream!

SID: (wiping counter with yellow sponge) Listen, if you two don’t eat those scones, I’m charging you extra for emotional distress to the pastry shelf.

[FX: Heavy thud of teapot lid opening and closing.]

ARTHUR: Sid, as a neutral magistrate of greasy spoon culinary arts, state your ruling!

SID: My ruling is: margarine first, yellow packet jam second, and pay at the till.

[FX: FADE OUT]