SCENE 1: EXT. BACK GARDEN IN COVENTRY - MORNING

FX: [BIRDS CHIRPING, THE SOUND OF DISTANT TRAFFIC]

ED: Yer posh git! Leaf debris? Just leaves would ‘ave done the job.

ANDY: (CONFUSED) What? Pardon?

ED: (EXASPERATED) It’s me, yer pillock, Ed The Shed.

ANDY: (QUIETLY) So, you’re a talking shed?

ED: (SCOFFING) No. I’m a bloody talking dustbin. What d’yer think?

ANDY: No need to be sarcastic. I didn’t know I had a talking shed.

ED: No, and yer don’t know ‘ow to call things their name without gettin’ all bloody posh about it.

FX: [CREAKING SOUND OF A WOODEN SHED DOOR OPENING]

ED: Watch me bloody varnish, yer pillock!

ANDY Yeah, sorry, Ed.

FX: [SOUND OF TOOLS BEING LIFTED FROM HOOKS]

ED: I’ll tell thee what, it’s proper bloody nesh out ‘ere today in’t it?

ANDY Aye happen it is— Sorry, it’s catching, I meant, yeah it is.

ED Bugger me, yer nearly spoke proper then, like.

FX: [SOUND OF LEAVES BEING RAKED UP ON A LAWN]

ED Yer missed a few.

ANDY I’ll get ‘em in a minute.

ED Blimey! Is yer name Arthur?

ANDY No, it’s Andy, you know that.

ED Are yer sure? Bloody half a job.

ANDY Eh?

ED Bit slow ain’t yer?

ED (CONT) Aw bugger! It’s gonna piss it down.

ANDY Yep, looks like it.

ED Yer should ‘ave repaired me roof. I’ve got a loose shingle—

ANDY Don’t tell everyone, they’ll all want one.

ED Eh?

ANDY It was a little joke, Ed.

ED Oh, aye. That’s it, get all bloody clever. I’m a shed. I’m don’t get jokes.

ANDY Er, you did one yourself a minute ago.

ED Did I?

ANDY Yep.

ED Shut yer gob and get on wi’ yer task.

ANDY Right. What task?

ED That bloody mower. It stinks.

ANDY What’s wrong with it?

ED I just told yer. It’s half knackered and stinks of wet grass.

ANDY It’ll dry out.

ED Not before the fumes have choked me.

FX: [SOUND OF METALLIC CLUNKING AND SCRAPING]

ANDY It does pong a bit doesn’t it?

ED See? I told yer didn’t i?

ANDY Yes, Ed. You did.

(BEAT)

ANDY: Bugger me. There’s more bloody leaves.

ED Ah sod ’em. Go and make a brew.

ANDY: Good idea. Ta.

FX: [SOUND OF FOOTSTEPS AS ANDY WALKS OFF AND ED MUTTERING QUIETLY.]

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