The Greasy Spoon - 3rd April 2026

Bob and Joe discuss why the correct word is 'batch' not 'cob' or 'roll'

—Wotcha, Bob.

—Alright, Joe.

—At least the bugger’s open today, I did wonder with it being Good Friday an’ all.

—Yeah. I was chuffed to see it open.

—That Larkin boozer is alright, ain’t it?

—Yeah. Wouldn’t be in a rush to go back.

—’Ow come?

—Too bloody yampy in there.

—Ah yeah, I know what yer mean.

—’Ere, Bob, listen to this.

—What’s up?

—I ’ad a bacon batch, right?

—Yeah. Standard. So what?

—Ah, I ’ad to explain it.

—Eh?

—Yeah. I was with a bunch of blokes from around the place. Yer know, Brum, Wolvo, places like that.

—Ah yeah.

—We were ’aving a bite to eat. They’re veterans like me.

—Gotcha.

—So I says, “I’ll ’ave a bacon batch.”

—What ’appened?

—You’d think I’d spoken in a foreign language.

—Couldn’t they work it out?

—Nah. Well, one of the Brummie lads did. He says, “It’s alright, fellas, he means a bacon cob.”

—What did you say?

—I said, did I me bollocks. I meant a bacon batch.

—Ha.

—Yeah, and they were like, “What the fuck’s a batch?”

—This is gonna be good.

—Ah well, we were in Bulkington, right? So I goes up to the young ’un behind the counter and says, ‘Tell them half‑wits over there what a batch is, will yer?’

—Nice one.

—Yeah. Yer know what she said?

—Go on.

—‘I’ll do better than that. I’ll bring yer one over.’

—YES. Get in!

—And she did, not long after.

—Bloody brill, that, Joe.

—Yer should ’ave seen the look on their faces. Proper bloody mardy.

—She was bloody great. Stan, one of the blokes, he says, ‘Could I ’ave a sausage cob, please?’ Yer know what the young ’un said?

—Go on.

—She says, ‘Let me check if I’ve got any of that posh crap in.’

—HAHAHAHAHA!

—I know, right? She winked at ’im and made ’im his sausage bloody batch.

—I reckon we should go there, mate.

—Maybe. Bit far though.

—Ah yeah. We could get the buzz.

—True. We could. Dunno what number goes over that way.

—Right, another brew?

—Yeah, and one of them batches.

—Ha!