The Greasy Spoon — 30th March 2026
Bob and Joe have a new table. Which might be a good thing. They discuss the weather and Popeye
‘I’m glad it’s raining.’
‘Eh?’
‘Yeah, I like the rain.’
‘Do yer?’
‘No, do I me bollocks. I’m bloody sick of it.’
‘Ha! You ‘ad me going there for a minute, Joe.’
‘What d‘yer think to this new table, then?’
‘It’s like the last one.’
‘Nah, it’s higher up.’
‘Eh?’
‘Yeah, when I put me elbows on the table, me ‘ands are closer to me gob.’
‘Bloody ‘ell! You’re right, mate!’
‘See?’
‘That could be ‘andy when we’re ‘aving a sarnie.’
‘Yeah, yer might not drip sauce down yer front like yer usually do.’
‘Bollocks to you an’ all.’
‘Yer do though.’
‘I know, but still, bollocks.’
‘Grumpy today are we?’
‘Yeah and so will you be in a minute.’
‘Eh? Why?’
‘It ain’t Brenda serving.’
‘Ah, shite.’
‘Wait though, it ain‘t lazy arse either.’
‘Oh yeah, let me go up and grab the brews.’
‘On yer go, Bob.’
…
‘She’s a nice young lass. Penny ‘er name is.’
‘Ah, right.’
‘I told er we are in ‘ere every day, so to look out fer us.’
‘What‘d she say to that?’
‘Said she will. And I made it easy for ‘er.’
‘Eh? how?’
‘I said: watch out for me, the handsome old guy, and him the ugly sod.’
‘Fuck off, you.’
‘Slow news day, ain’t it?’
‘Yeah…’
‘What?’
‘That sayin’. It’s mad.’
‘Why?’
‘Well, think if the newsreaders took it serious, like.’
‘Eh?’
‘Like this: “iinnnn toooooddddaaaaayyys nnneeewwwws"—‘
‘Alright, yer daft apeth! Bloody yampy bugger you are.’
‘I see Popeye and Olive Oil are opening a place in Broadgate.’
‘Er, Joe? I think you’ve—‘
‘It’s in the Cov Telegraph, mate.’
‘Pop-bloody-eye?’
’S’what it says.’
‘Hang bloody on…’
…
‘Yer big bloody muppet!’
‘What?’
‘It’s not Popeye and Olive-soddin’-oil! I asked Penny.’
‘No?’
’No! It’s the US chicken place called Popeyes!’
‘Ahhh.’
‘Yeah, they are from New Orleans.’
‘Long way to come fer chicken.’
‘Joe?’
‘What now?’
‘Did yer ‘ave yer meds this mornin’?’
‘Er, I can’t remember.’
‘Right, we’d better get off.’
‘Why? I ain’t finished me coffee.’
‘Because you’re losing the bloody plot.’
‘No, I ain’t—‘
‘The company is called Popeyes. And they started in New Orleans in 1972. And don’t dare say: “What they doin’? Walking ‘ere?”’
‘Ha! Good one! I would ‘ave said that!’
‘Yer would. Yampy bugger. Go and get the brews in.’
‘Righo.’