The Greasy Spoon - 1st April 2026
Bob and Joe debate whether they should help Penny out since the caff is busy
—Get yer own bloody brew, Bob.
—Er, why?
—You’ve got to learn to look after yerself. I ain’t gonna be always there to look after yer.
—It’s only gettin’ a bloody—
—Doesn’t matter. Get yer bloody own.
—What’s the matter with yer today?
—Nothin’.
—What yer being all grumpy for?
…
—Oh wait, yer daft bugger!
—Wha’?
—It’s April Fools Day, right?
—Hahaha!
—I was wonderin’ what was up with yer.
—I was doin’ a President Trump.
—Eh?
—He told us to get our own oil didn’t he?
—Hahaha! Oh yeah, he did an’ all!
—D’yer think he’ll tell the Charles and Camilla to make their own tea?
—Imagine tha’? “Alright, Charles. The tea trolley is over there, ‘elp yerself.”
—Hahaha! Gold, that is.
—‘Ere, did yer see them kids causin’ bloody trouble down in Hackney?
—Oh yeah, I did. Little shits. Borstal for the lot of ‘em.
—Er, there ain’t been one of them since 1982.
—No? Well there should be.
—Bloody ‘ell, it’s busy in ‘ere today, ain’t it?
—Aye, it is. Young Penny is rushed off her feet.
—I was thinkin…
—Did it hurt?
—Piss off, you.
—I was thinkin’ we should offer her some ‘elp.
—Wouldn’t be allowed, mate.
—Who would know? The poor lass is run off her feet.
—Well, ‘ow about we don’t have a sarnie today?
—Bloody ‘ell—
—Well, it’ll be one less thing for her to do.
—Blimey, more people, look. Right, I’m gonna ask her.
—On yer go, see what she says.
…
—It’s alright, she says. Well chuffed with the offer though.
—Right, sarnie then?
—NO! We said we wouldn’t put her under any more pressure.
—Oh yeah, right.
—I’m gonna clear that table, look. Dirty buggers ‘ave just left everythin’.
—Right, I’ll help.
—Mind out, watch yer backs, there folks.
—Penny? ‘Ave yer got a cloth and cleaning stuff?
…
—Right, nice one, Joe. At least we ‘elped a bit.
—Gettin’ busy in ‘ere these days ain’t it?
—Yeah. I’ve got a theory.
—Oh yeah?
—Yeah, it’s us.
—Wha’?
—Yeah, yer know that Andy lad ‘as been putting us up on that there blog thing, right?
—Oh Yeah! I forgot about that.
—So, I reckon folks are reading it and comin’ to see if we are real.
—Mebbe, mate.
—Right, it’s calmed—
—Hi Guys! I brought yer a couple of brews over. Thanks very much for helping me out, there. It was a busy spell wasn’t it?
—Aww, thanks, Penny. Yer didn’t have to do that.
—Yeah, thanks, Luv. I bet yer knackered ain’t yer?
—S’fine. I’m getting used to it.
—Well, any time yer need an’ hand. Let us know.
—Yeah, he’s a lazy sod, But I’ll ‘elp yer.
—Bugger off, you.
—Hahaha, you pair! What are you like? Right, I’d better get back.
—Thanks, Penny!
—Yeah, ta very much, Luv.
—She’s a keeper ‘er, ain’t she, Bob?
—Definitely, mate. Bloody marvellous brew an’ all.